Why attachment theory is everywhere right now and how it can help you

For Lizzy, relationships always seemed to end the same way. "I would get to a second or third date and find something wrong with them."

Just as things began to feel real, the connection she longed for would suddenly feel uncomfortable, even threatening. And she would pull away.

For years, she couldn't explain why - until she came across attachment theory.

And it was the description of a so-called fearful-avoidant - one of the four attachment styles - which felt strikingly familiar.

It describes someone who wants closeness, but worries that people in their life will eventually reject or abandon them.

"It was like I had found the missing piece to a puzzle that I've been trying to solve for years," Lizzy says.

She is not alone. Attachment theory has exploded into the public consciousness.

On TikTok, videos tagged #AttachmentTheory have racked up hundreds of millions of views.

And in popular culture it's used to explain everything from Marianne and Connell's relationship in the hit book and TV series Normal People to the lyrics of Sam Fender and Olivia Dean's record-breaking number one track Rein Me In.

"The first time I listened to it I started crying," Lizzy says.

For her, the song gave voice to both sides of avoidant attachment: the fear that can make love feel unbearable, and the confusion felt by the partner left behind.

First developed in the 1950s by British psychiatrist John Bowlby, attachment theory suggests that the bonds we form with early caregivers shape our expectations of relationships.

If support is consistently available, you are more likely to see others as reliable. If care is unpredictable or emotionally distant, you may develop strategies designed to protect yourself from disappointment or distress.

There are four attachment styles - anxious, avoidant, fearful-avoidant and secure. In simple terms they are defined as follows:

• Anxious attachment is often associated with worries about rejection or abandonment. People with this attachment style may seek frequent reassurance from those close to them and struggle with low self-worth. They can be highly attuned to changes in other people's behaviour.

• People with an avoidant attachment style prioritise their independence and find it difficult to open up emotionally or rely on others. They may subconsciously view intimacy as a threat to their autonomy and withdraw when relationships become too emotionally close.

• Those with fearful-avoidant attachment want close relationships but often struggle to feel safe in them. They may seek connection one moment and withdraw the next.

• Someone who is secure is comfortable with both closeness and independence in relationships. They are generally able to trust others, communicate their needs and seek support when they need it.

Research suggests that secure people tend to fare better not only in romantic relationships, but across life. They manage stress more effectively, cope better with setbacks like rejection or loss and are better colleagues and managers in the workplace.

And what began as a way to understand relationships is increasingly influencing how people navigate them.

Across social media, attachment styles are used to reassess friendships, make sense of family tensions or rule out potential partners.

And relationship coaches promise to reveal the hidden signs of emotional unavailability in a partner or the ways to heal anxious attachment.

Dr Pascal Vrticka, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Essex, has spent nearly two decades studying attachment.

He says the theory offers "one of the best explanations" for the differences in how people seek support and connection with others.

And while he's glad to see it reach a wider audience, he worries the way it is interpreted can be "outdated, misinformed and, in the worst case, harmful."

"I think one problem is that people are overgeneralising it and using it in contexts where it might not be the best framework to explain our behaviour," he says.

Part of the issue, he explains, is that initial assumptions around attachment theory have evolved since it was first developed.

Vrticka says one of the biggest misconceptions is that attachment styles are fixed.

Although studies have found that they can show a degree of stability over time, Vrticka says change is possible.

"The good news is that the evidence shows that secure attachment is the most stable. Which means that once you become secure, you tend to stay secure."

He says attachment is often reshaped during periods of transition, particularly during adolescence, when young people begin forming close relationships beyond their family.

Later events in our lives, like entering a new relationship, experiencing a breakup or dealing with bereavement, can also be influential.

But Vrticka says that change is gradual and professional support is likely to be needed for people with more entrenched attachment patterns.

It's that nuance, Lizzy says, which is often lost in discussions of attachment theory.

She says some people can be "quick to assume the worst" and reduce others to labels.

However, while she says people with insecure attachment styles should be viewed with more empathy, she acknowledges the importance of self-awareness.

"For me, I know that my avoidant tendencies are toxic and it would be unfair for me to date someone right now," she says.

But, she adds, that doesn't mean people with insecure attachments are incapable of healthy relationships. "It is on you to acknowledge it and put in the work to heal."

Few have played a more influential role in bringing attachment to the mainstream than Dr Amir Levine.

His book Attached, co-written with Rachel Heller, was first published in 2010 and has since sold millions of copies around the world.

But in his latest book, Levine shifts the focus from identifying attachment styles to ask a different question: how do you become secure?

Part of the answer, he argues, lies in what he calls "SIMIs" - seemingly insignificant minor interactions.

A text from a friend asking about your weekend. A smile from a stranger.

"The brain monitors small interactions all the time," Levine says. "That's what attachment is about. It's a monitoring system for safety."

And he says these interactions gradually shape what the brain expects from relationships.

Positive experiences build evidence that people can be trusted and relied upon, helping move someone towards what he calls "secure mode".

But equally, a delayed response or a friend failing to follow through on plans can trigger subtle stress responses in the nervous system.

Importantly, Levine says it's possible to have different attachment styles with different people.

So he encourages people to identify the relationships in their lives that already make them feel safe and understood, and to use them "as a vehicle for becoming more secure overall".

And the idea that security can be built through current relationships reflects a broader shift away from seeing attachment as just the result of childhood experiences.

For some, discovering attachment theory can involve re-examining family relationships, which can potentially lead to resentment. But Levine says "it's not just about where you started, but what happens afterwards".

"If that way of thinking helps you understand yourself and move forward, that's useful," he says.

"But if it makes you feel stuck or damaged, then it's not accurate because people really can change."

Levine also argues that insecure attachments can in themselves be strengths.

He says anxious people are often acutely tuned into relationships, spotting subtle shifts in mood, tone and behaviour that others miss, while avoidant people can be fiercely independent and perform well under pressure.

However, whilst Vrticka agrees that attachment styles shouldn't be seen as either good or bad, he stresses they "come with certain risks and difficulties", which he says shouldn't be disregarded.

But both agree that attachment theory is most useful when it helps people understand patterns rather than define themselves.