'This is fixable': What really helps save relationship
Getty ImagesWhat couples therapists want you to know about trying to save a relationship that's going downhill.
If you're in an unhappy relationship, you may suffer from heartache – literally.
Vicious arguments can result in poor sleep and even heart pain and muscle pain. They can make everyone in the family, including children, more vulnerable to physical and mental health problems. A happy relationship can boost your health and even your lifespan. An unhappy one can have the opposite effect, raising your risk of an earlier death by chipping away at your health.
In fact, poor-quality close relationships are considered a health risk factor equal to or greater than smoking or lack of exercise. And then, of course, there's the metaphorical heartache: the pain of love unravelling.
So how do you turn an unhappy relationship into a happy one? And is that even possible?
A growing body of research reveals some surprising answers – and spells hope for couples committed to a turnaround.
Why couples argue
If you enter a new relationship and the first argument you have with your partner is about dirty dishes, you may be catching a glimpse of the distant future: research suggests that what couples argue about remains pretty constant throughout the relationship. These recurring problems are known as perpetual or gridlocked issues.
"Those gridlocked issues could be about finances, parenting, their sex lives, how they negotiate power in the relationship," says Carrie Cole, a psychologist and the director of research at The Gottman Institute for couples therapy in Seattle, US. But also, they can be about seemingly minor issues such as neatness.
In one longitudinal study, psychologist John Gottman and his team observed couples' disagreements in an initial assessment, and four years later. They found that 69% of the time the couples were still arguing over the same type of issues they had debated those four years earlier.
Other studies have revealed a similar pattern, with certain core issues such as money coming up in conflicts across households and even across cultures. Disagreements over money, in particular, cause the most persistent and heated rows. Unequal division of housework is another cause of tensions, and can raise the likelihood of divorce.
In itself, disagreement isn't necessarily a bad sign. It can just be a natural part of learning to understand and respond to each other's needs. And both happy and unhappy couples argue.
The crucial difference between happy and unhappy couples is how they behave towards each other, research suggests – during and also outside of arguments.
Four behaviours that can 'kill a relationship'
Cole cites four specific behaviours that signal your relationship may be headed for a break-up, according to studies: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (which means withdrawal from a conflict by refusing to engage).
"Those four behaviours will kill a relationship," says Cole. But, she adds, "they are fixable, if the couple wants to fix them." (Read on for specific tips.)
Getty ImagesIn fact, it's not just the relationship that's at risk: separate research has shown that persistent criticism from one's partner significantly predicts an earlier death.
Arguments involving these kinds of behaviours, along with aggression and hostility, are known as destructive – and can ultimately raise the risk of divorce.
However, constructive arguments, which focus on mutually resolving issues with respect, curiosity and kindness, can strengthen your relationship.
One key factor is responsiveness: the feeling that your partner listens, supports and understands you. Experiencing your partner as responsive is not only associated with greater marital satisfaction, but can even buffer inflammation and boost physical health and longevity.
Kindness and cooperation can also build long-term goodwill. One 20-year-study of married couples showed that shared decision-making and equally shared housework were associated with greater marital happiness and lower conflict.
How couples argue may even affect their sleep: destructive arguments are associated with bad sleep, while constructive ones are associated with good sleep, research has found.
Rebuilding empathy
If you're in the midst of an unhappy relationship, it may feel near-impossible to switch from bitter, hostile arguments to kind and supportive ones. But a large body of evidence shows it's possible – for example, with the help of therapy.
Research suggests that couples therapy has a positive impact on 70% of couples who do it. It can help improve relationships issues, boost relationship satisfaction and prevent relationship distress, strengthen emotional intimacy, but also help improve individual emotional or physical health problems.
"Empathy has been eaten away from most couples who get to the point of therapy," says Jay Lebow, a couples therapist and clinical professor of psychology at the Family Institute at Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois, who has co-authored a wide-ranging review that found that couples therapy is effective. He adds that one challenge in therapy is: "How do we rebuild our empathy?"
There are a number of signs that suggest the therapy is working, he says.
"One of them is [clients improving their] speaking and listening. That sounds easy enough, but when you're in a distressed relationship, it becomes very hard to listen," he says.
Working on the relationship is also about "being able to take that step back and ask the question, what's going on between us, rather than, what are the problems I have with my partner?" he says.
'Tell me more'
There are two specific signs that give Cole hope in her sessions with couples – signs that this couple is going to make it, and will work through their issues, she says.
One is a partner saying to the other: "I can see why you would feel that way." To Cole, this is a sign that the partner is what she calls "accepting influence" from the other. "By that I mean they can take in each other's perspective as valid, even though it might be different from their own," she explains.
The other tell-tale sign is: "Is there any curiosity about one another? If there is, there is some hope there," she says. Even if they disagree with what the other is saying, "they would say something like: 'Tell me more about that, how did you come to believe that?'"
If people work on their problems, "the evidence is pretty strong that you get good outcomes", Lebow says.
Sharing dreams
When it comes to resolving gridlocked conflict, understanding each other's dreams and goals can help, says Cole.
She gives the example of a couple who came to therapy because of recurring arguments over money. Both had grown up in poverty. But this had shaped them in very different ways. The wife's focus was on being financially secure and independent, through saving and careful budgeting. The husband wanted to spend his hard-earned money on nice things, and enjoy the feeling of fitting in with the rest of society, and no longer being cut off by poverty.
This led to endless rows over spending.
"They fought about those things all the time. And they never got down to the reason they were fighting," says Cole.
In therapy, they listen to each other talk about their painful experiences of growing up poor, and how this had shaped their goals in life. They learned to compromise, and agreed on how much money they would set aside to save, and how much they would be free to spend.
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"They did work it out. But they had to understand what was so important to each one of them, before they could be open to accepting influence from each other and working towards a compromise that included both of their dreams," says Cole.
Lebow also emphasises another factor: "The motivation of clients matters a lot," he says. "You could have the best couple therapist in the world, with the least motivated people, and the outcome is unlikely to be good. You could have the best motivated clients with the worst couple therapist, you still might do OK. That makes a big difference."
Breaking up better
Even separating couples may benefit from couples therapy, says Lebow. It can help them cope with the separation itself, and its potential impact on mental health. It may make the process less hostile, and also help the couple support the mental health of their children, if they have them, he says.
And while a break-up or divorce can be incredibly painful, "these are moments when you can really learn something about yourself", he says. "It's a moment where lots of people learn things that are very valuable to them and the rest of their lives."
But Lebow adds that working on skills such as listening and empathy doesn't only help distressed couples: "Even people in good relationships can improve their relationship."
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